How HIV fits in

Those of us who were single when we were diagnosed wondered how would we meet someone new and then tell them about being HIV positive. Who on earth would want us? But many of us have started dating again. And some of us are in long-term relationships. 

Those of us who were in a relationship realised that the diagnosis was something we had to work through together. We've got more advice and support on this on our website Vive la difference.

Many of us re-evaluated what was important to us in our lives. Some of us got out of relationships that weren’t right for us.  

Positive or not?

It’s totally up to us to decide whether we want a partner who’s also positive, or whether we want HIV to be an issue at all. There are plenty of us who are in relationships with negative partners (you might hear this referred to as ‘sero-discordant’ or magnetic relationships).

Having HIV might complicate things, but it does not make relationships impossible.

Communication

Communication – talking and listening – is key in all relationships. Communication is about getting yourself understood and understanding the other person. Poor communication can lead to frustration, anger and the breakdown of relationships.

But it’s not always easy. Here are a few tips.

Use 'I' messages

Using ‘I’ messages, rather than ‘you’ messages when we’re expressing our feelings makes it seem less like we’re blaming the other person. For example, ‘I really miss having sex with you’ is less confrontational than ‘You never seem to want to have sex anymore’.

Be specific

When we ask for help, or more information about something, we’re much more likely to get a good response if we are very specific and direct about what we want.

Listen properly

It’s really important to listen properly to what the other person is saying. This means noticing their body language and their tone of voice, as well as the actual words. It also means:

  • letting them finish before answering
  • giving them signals that you’re listening
  • asking them for more information when they’ve finished.

Getting help

If you’re having problems with relationships, it might be worth seeing a counsellor or joining a support group to meet others going through similar things. Positive self-management courses include looking at relationships and issues with communication.

There are also support groups for negative partners.