Evaluating our comfort levels

For many of us, finding out our HIV status led us to look at our sex lives. We evaluated the level of risk we were comfortable with and what we were not comfortable with. 

We all see risk differently. When sex is between two or more people it involves individuals who may well have different ideas of risk.

It’s important to find out what you and your partners are happy with, and what you’re not happy with. For example, some of us are OK with our partners giving us a blow job, as long as they are aware of the risk involved and are willing to take this risk. But some of us would never consider doing this.  

Of course, talking to our partners brings up the whole issue of telling them about our status in the first place.

Reducing the risk of passing on HIV

Some things make it less likely that we will pass on HIV to our partners:

• they are also positive
• using a condom.

Positive partners

If our partners already have HIV then we can’t pass it on to them. But are we certain that neither of us have any other sexually transmitted infections (STIs) we could pass on? There are also a very, very small number of people who have been reinfected with a different strain of HIV.

Negative partners

The highest risk of passing on HIV is if we fuck a negative partner without a condom and come inside their arse. This is because the lining of the arse is delicate and easily torn. It can also absorb liquids. This lets HIV get into the bloodstream.

The higher our viral load, the greater the risk. The risk is also much greater if we have other STIs.  Using a condom reduces this risk.

Poppers

If we fuck a negative partner without a condom and he has sniffed poppers, this increases his risk of getting HIV. One possible reason for this is that poppers open blood vessels wider, causing more blood into the arse. This could make it easier for HIV to get through these blood vessels.

Bottom or top?

If we’re the bottom, rather than the top, there is less risk of us passing the virus on. But there is still a risk. And again, our viral load and other STIs make a difference. If the top wears a condom, the risk is greatly reduced.

Sucking and other types of sex

If we get sucked off, there is a risk of passing on HIV. The risk is greater if our viral load is high or if the guy doing the sucking has a mouth infection, or ulcers or bleeding gums. If we decide not to use a condom, the risk can be reduced if we don’t come in their mouth.

Other types of sex, like mutual masturbation, rimming or kissing, are basically safe. But we do need to be careful not to get our cum onto their cock or inside their arse if they are HIV negative and not wearing a condom. 

You can find out more about how HIV is passed on elsewhere on our website.

Talk things through

Many of us have found it really useful to talk through the risks with someone like our clinic health adviser, or a counsellor or a support worker at an HIV organisation. They can help us to clarify what risks we really want to take, and talk about different strategies we can use to reduce the risk of us passing on HIV while still having the kind of sex we want.